Couples in need of counseling

         By Sheila Hurst, MA

It was rather interesting that I was asked to write about my couples group in February. It would have been stranger if it was closer to the “dreaded” day of love, Valentine’s Day. I questioned about how Valentine’s Day get started and what does it all mean.

The roots can be traced back to ancient Rome, where it was celebrated on the ideas of February as a popular fertility rite. Young men chose their steady sexual partners for the duration of the following year by inscribing the names of young virginal females upon billets (small slips of paper), which were then placed inside a box and drawn at random in lottery fashion. This annual rite of passage was known as the Lupercalia, dedicated to the God Lupercus.  Ultimately, it was the church that changed these pagan beliefs to be more Christian, saint-like.   Lupercus became Saint Valentine, who then became the patron saint of lovers.

When I was approached to facilitate a new group for adult addictions, I wanted to try something different.  In the past, I have had clients ask me what about my significant other?  They would describe how the non-addict couldn’t comprehend what was really going on with them and would think that they were making up all the problems they were facing.  They would say things like ‘I’m getting better but they aren’t.”  They just couldn’t understand or know what I’m going through or how hard I’m trying to get better.  They don’t understand what the words addiction, recovery and treatment mean.”

I found out that the clients were right.  Many of the other members of their family were in need of understanding what the above terms mean; furthermore, what it is like for their spouse to be in treatment. I guess when the Romans wrote out their request for their steady sexual virgins and placed their names in a box, they left out the part about addictions, treatment and recovery.

              Clients that go through the outpatient detox program are given a 14-day intensive course of treatment and recovery, but it’s not over in 14 days. During the program, Sundays are set aside for families which gives them the opportunity to get involved, and gain important information about their role in their family member’s recovery.  However, it is just two Sundays, there is far more work that needs to be done with the client and with family member. Many unsettled feelings may still remain.  On some level, the spouse may feel as if they could have been better, or stronger than, maybe their spouse would have turned to them as opposed to drugs. The term co-dependency is often referenced here. The person becomes co-dependent on the success or failure of the other person.

              This is to the extreme of what a relationship and intimacy mean. In a relationship, it takes two people - not just one doing all the work. One person cannot make sure the whole is running smoothly, but both working just as hard. The key here is to remember that the only person you can change is you, not your spouse, but if you are making all the changes what happens to the other person?  

              Another problem arises when anger and blame become the focus of the relationship.  Terms like resentment, expectation and guilt are often worked on in this level of treatment.  Resentments are like when you dwell on something that you can’t do anything about.  You are overcome the same hurt over and over again and it is very counterproductive.  Expectations are thinking that the client should be at this level of recovery, or must me doing something more to get better.  Finally, guilt is the “well if you had not used, we would not be having these problems,” but in fact, the problems have always been there but now they are clearly revealed just like the person’s addiction.  For example, I had a couple that was struggling with things from the past that should have been dissolved long ago, still resurfacing and causing troubles.  This just shows how resentments can do to real damage to relationships.

              One of the best responses I’ve received so far from a client was “I guess I was trying to peel my own onion and it didn’t work too well.”  Some times addiction is not just the problem, it is what is being treated. Sometimes couples have had problems from the beginning, but now they have something to point out or blame. The term “core beliefs” fit well here. What are your true core beliefs about marriage, roles that men and women have for each other and themselves? Core beliefs are based on societal norms and family values, but who said it is suppose to be that way, and are they right? If you have totally different ideas or beliefs about the role of a man and a woman in a relationship where does that leave you when the man or the woman has a drug problem? What were you taught as a small child about people who use drugs? Are these beliefs centered in reality or not? If your beliefs are that all people who use drugs are bad, but I am married to a person that uses drugs, are they now bad? These are the true issues that are brought up in these sessions. The best response I have gotten was the non-using spouse saying “How could you do this to me?” when, in fact, the question should be, “Why did you did this to you?”