The experience of grief – What’s “normal?”

By Jill T. Schechter, LCSW

                  Everyone experiences grief in different ways. Grief is the process of separating oneself from losses, effecting necessary changes in life, and fostering new attachments and commitments. Grief not only occurs when death is involved, but also through loss of a relationship or job, loss of functioning due to chronic illness, or even geographical relocation.

              Grief experience is shaped by the uniqueness of people and influenced by emotional, intrapersonal, interpersonal, psychological and social variables, i.e. a person’s mental health prior to a grief situation. Initially we often protect ourselves through the numbness of shock or a feeling of being “on automatic pilot,” moving forward with the help of ritual behavior. Emotions then vary among and between the stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and resolution. Healing does not follow a neat, “normal,” or predictable progression through these stages, but can “jump around” from one to the other.  Memories of previous losses may compound the negative feelings due to the present loss. Extended denial of grief can lead to psychological problems such as major depression and inappropriate coping like alcohol or substance use and abuse. Many unhealthy grief reactions are worsened by lack of social support and understanding.

              In order to recover a sense of self and learn to live with loss, it is important to acknowledge and share the full range of thoughts and emotions. Friends and family can provide invaluable support systems, but the grieving person often feels misunderstood or unsafe expressing their thoughts, especially during the vulnerable period of adjusting to the new reality.

Today’s society typically avoids the topic of death, attempts to protect young people from death’s influence, and is generally not supportive of grievers after a period of time.

              Seeking professional help after a loss can be a tool for learning new skills and as a source of support. A healthy resolution leads to the resumption of regular functioning in various roles, evidence of adaptation and coping. The objective is to obtain a new perspective by finding inner strengths, and seeing the occurrence as a challenge versus giving up in despair.

Bonus points are earned for gaining a greater sense of meaning and unity in one’s life by incorporating a sense of spirituality, a reevaluation of purpose, priorities, feelings, relationships, and a reorganization of how we practice daily living. Ideally, resolution results in a manifestation of personal resilience, growth, and an increased appreciation of life and the people in it, with enhanced capacity for love, empathy and caring.