Parents...talking with your teen is possible

By Alison Eadie, MA

Maybe you’re used to the same routine; the averted eyes, the slouch in their posture and the shuffling of their feet as they scurry past you and slam their bedroom door behind them.  What happened?  The only thing you asked them was, “How was your day?”

If this sounds familiar to you, then you have probably been in contact with that elusive being — the teenager.  Teens are notorious masters of the one-word conversation killer, i.e. “nuthin” or “dunno,” often accompanied by a world-weary sigh that denotes that you wouldn’t understand them even if they told you.  This is an excellent tactic, for it often works by stunning the parent into concession and self-doubt.  By the time you can shake out of it, they’ve left the room — off to the computer or Playstation or whatever may be happening inside the aforementioned closed bedroom.  Sometimes it can really seem like they have the upper-hand and all parents can do is wait.

In my work with teens and parents I am able to experience and hear communication difficulties from both sides of the relationship.  And, believe it or not, teens do want to talk.  It’s just that there is so much going on in their lives and they may need time to consider how and what to express in their changes and experiences to their families.  And as parents are waiting for their teens to open up, their own frustration may take hold and they may begin to contemplate what to say or express just as much as their teenage child.

Here are some tools that might be useful in trying to alleviate any communication difficulties during your child’s teenage years:

• Listen, don’t lecture. Teens can benefit greatly from having a quiet ear to help them discuss their thoughts and beliefs that may not be fully formed.  When they were younger, they may have looked for advice, but now they could benefit greatly from a sounding board instead.
• Give positive feedback. Adolescence can be a time of shaky self-esteem and teens need to be reminded that although they do not have their world figured out, they are on the right track when they are thinking of and trying new things.
• Stay current with topics that are exciting to your teen. It may not stay the same from week to week, but if they can get interested in new things, why can’t you?  Be aware that even fleeting interests are important.
• Discuss what is going on in the news or pop culture. This is a great way to learn about an adolescent’s perception of the world around them without making it about them.
• Plan activities with your teen. Mini-golf, movies and other events give structure and comfort to both teens and parents who might be feeling disconnected.  There is usually something to talk about when you are doing an activity together.
• Keep inviting them and try not to get discouraged. Even if they bow out four out of five Sunday dinners, teens do want to know that if they need you, you will welcome them kindly.

Adolescence can be a difficult time for both teens and parents.  As hokey as it sounds, imagine chicks preparing to leave the nest.  They look to their parents when they are struggling. However want to be dependent, and are proud when they accomplishment something on their own.  Parents do have a wonderful and challenging role in front of them as teens make their way into adulthood.  Be there, and keep talking.