Survivors of Suicide:  Courage of a Different Kind

By Melanie Teves Bell, Ed.S., LMFT

Hundreds of Manatee and Sarasota County residents converged onto Sutton Park in Palmetto for the Fourth Annual 5k Walk for Life event.  This year’s Walk for Life was held in conjunction with the nation’s “Yellow Ribbon Suicide Awareness & Prevention Week,” designed to bring people together to raise awareness of the high levels of suicide.  The effort was coordinated by Manatee Glens, community advocates, and Manatee County high school Key Clubs.  

Suicide is the fastest growing killer of youth today, specifically affecting those ranging in age from 10 to 24 years of age.  This startling fact, and the sad reality that Florida is recognized as having the third highest number of suicides in the nation, may explain why many of our community’s young people have gotten behind this cause. 

In 2004, Manatee County reported 41 suicides and Sarasota reported 62.  For each one of these suicides, “survivors” were left behind. 

One may assume that a “survivor of suicide” is someone who has survived a suicide attempt, but to another group of individuals, it has an entirely different meaning.  The term “survivors of suicide” define a group of individuals that have lost a loved one to suicide.  The American Psychiatric Association ranks the trauma of losing a loved one to suicide as “catastrophic”- on par with that of a concentration camp experience.  Statistics report that someone dies of suicide in the United States every 16.2 minutes and for each suicide there are at least 6 survivors left behind.  On average, there are 540 survivors left to grieve the loss of a loved one each day. 

Survivors of suicide often feel a huge sense of guilt.  They feel as though they could have prevented their loved one’s untimely death, if they had only seen or recognized their loved one’s warning signs  or “call” for help.  This sense of helplessness makes grieving all the more difficult for the survivor.  This grief requires a different kind of courage just to make it through the day.  Survivors must work harder in their grieving process and work to find healthy coping strategies for their emotional survival.  This feeling of guilt is not only strongly felt by adult survivors, but by children as well.

In addition to possible feelings of guilt, children who have lost a parent or caregiver may also feel abandoned.  For the healing process to take hold for these young survivors, a sense of security needs to be felt.  To avoid future trauma for these young survivors, the death of a loved one should not be kept a secret.  This may only lead to further confusion and future trauma, so surviving families should choose age appropriate explanations regarding a loved one’s death related to suicide.

SIDE BAR INFORMATION:

Survivors may find many different ways to choose to grieve and find support.  Many may find support with family members and loved ones, and others may find help with professionals or community support groups.  The most important part is to know your community resources. 

Facts Regarding Suicidal Grief

• Grief can be intense, complex and often long term
• Grief has no specific time frame
• Survivors should not expect his/her lives to return to the way things were before their loss.  (Survivors aim to create a life without their loved one, but still find happiness)

Common Emotions Experienced

• Shock
• Guilt
• Stress
• Rejection
• Confusion
• Helplessness
• Denial
• Anger
• Loneliness or Disconnection
• Self-blame
• Pain
• Shame
• Abandonment or Exclusion

What Family/Loved Ones Should Know to help a Survivor of Suicide

• LISTEN (without judgment or criticism)
• ASK if you can help (let them tell you when the time is right)
• Respect their personal pace for grief (Be patient)
• Use the lost loved one’s name
• Do not tell them how they should feel or push them to feel better sooner than they are ready
• Only offer statements like “I know how you feel”, if you too are a survivor
• Repetition is an integral part of the healing process and it is important for survivors to tell their story as many times as needed

Beyond Surviving:  Suggestions for Survivors (Adapted from Iris M. Bolton)

• Know that you can survive; you may not think so…but you can
• Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses.  You are not crazy…you are in mourning
• Having suicidal thoughts is common.  It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts.  Talk with someone
• Remember to take one day at a time
• Don’t be afraid to cry.  Tears are part of healing
• Remember, the choice was not yours
• Give yourself permission to get professional help
• Be patient with yourself and others that may not understand
• Set your own limits and learn to say ‘No’
• Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go.  Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting
• Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving

Internet resources:

www.spanusa.org (Suicide Prevention Action Network USA)

www.floridasuicideprevention.org (Florida Suicide Prevention Coalition)
www.lifekeeper.org (Lifekeeper Memory Quilts)

www.suicidology.org (American Association of Suicidology)

www.afsp.org (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)

Community Resources:

Tidewell (Hospice of Southwest Florida)   929-2315            

Family Emergency Treatment Center       782-4800

Manatee Glens                                       782-4150